


potato tomato

by jilliancares



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Hostage Situations, Identity Reveal, M/M, Pre-Relationship, with Strong Vibes, yeah but basically wade holds aunt may hostage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 18:17:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18145727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliancares/pseuds/jilliancares
Summary: Wade comes to the obvious conclusion that Aunt May and Peter have found out Spider-Man's identity and are blackmailing him, so he decides to hold them hostage.





	potato tomato

**Author's Note:**

> this idea struck me and i wrote it in the dining hall at brunch so just,,, here Take It

It was Sunday, which meant Peter was on his way to Aunt May’s for their weekly dinner. He was running a little late, but that was also to be expected.

Despite how busy Peter was these days with classes and The Bugle and his Spider-Man duties, he always made sure to make time for Aunt May. It usually wasn’t until he was sitting across from her and eating his first home cooked meal in a week that he realized how worn out he was. It was always a great way to recharge, and he loved catching up with May.

The front door was unlocked, just like it always was when May was expecting him, despite the fact that he both had a key and was constantly reminding her to keep her door locked. Shaking his head fondly, he kicked his shoes off at the door and headed towards the kitchen.

“Aunt May, I’m home!” he called, dropping his backpack into a chair at the counter and continuing into the living room when he didn’t see her. And then, when he did see her, he wished he hadn’t.

She was sitting in the living room, tied to a chair. Her mouth was gagged and her eyes were wide, as if she were trying to warn Peter of something. But all Peter could see were the bindings digging into her skin, no doubt going to leave red lines behind for the rest of the day. Assuming she _lived_  to see the rest of the day.

He shook that thought off as quickly as it had come. Why would someone have done this to Aunt May? Had they figured out his identity? Was this a way of threatening Spider-Man?

“Aunt May,” Peter whispered, hurrying across the room and ignoring the way she was shaking her head. His spidey-senses were going haywire, his every cell rebelling at the sight of Aunt May tied up like this.

“Mmm!” May tried to say through the gag, moments before heat and pain bloomed at the back of his skull. Peter felt his knees get weak, and when his eyes fluttered shut, they didn’t open again.

—

The first thing Peter was aware of was the throbbing in the back of his head. He tilted it to the side, the pain increasing tenfold, and forced his eyes open, knowing he had to take stock of the situation, had to figure out how to escape.

He was now in a chair beside May, similarly tied but lacking the gag. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted before he could start.

“I’d be on my best behavior, if I were you,” said a way too familiar voice, and Peter turned his head to see Deadpool sitting on a chair across from them. His chair was turned backwards, his arms resting on the back of it and his chin pillowed on his forearms. “You see, I’m a little trigger happy. When I pull triggers, I get happy.” He emphasized this by shaking the gun in his hand, which was dangling over the chair’s edge. “Savvy?”

Despite his whole spiel, Peter couldn’t control his mouth. _“Deadpool?”_  he said incredulously.

Deadpool sat up straight, clearly grinning behind his mask. “You know who I am!” he said with a happy sigh. “That makes this so much easier!”

Peter blinked. Why wouldn’t he know who Deadpool was? Unless Deadpool didn’t realize that he was holding Spider-Man and his aunt hostage. In which case, why the fuck was he holding them hostage?

“What do you want from us?” Peter demanded, trying to ignore the flares of his spidey-sense whenever Deadpool gestured with his gun. It usually never went off around Deadpool, even when he was trying to sneak up on Peter.

“Oh, that’s simple,” Deadpool said easily. He tapped his gun against his temple knowingly. “See, I came to the realization that you two figured out my pal Spider-Man’s identity, and that’s a _big_  no-no.”

Peter was gaping. Just… what? How did Deadpool come up with this nonsense? “Why would you think that?” he finally prompted, ignoring the spark of warmth in his chest at the thought that Deadpool was trying to protect Spider-Man. It was easy when Peter allowed himself a glance at his aunt, who was still tied up much too tightly for her age.

“I saw him climb through your aunt’s window with groceries. And I know for a _fact_  that Spider-Man lives on the other side of the city, so what reason does he have for being over here?” Deadpool paused, as if waiting for Peter to answer. He continued regardless of Peter’s silence. “Blackmail,” he said dramatically. “Somehow, you and your aunt figured out his identity, and now you’re using him to fund your petty expenses like groceries. Tell me I’m wrong,” he challenged.

Peter glared at him. “You’re wrong.”

“Wrong answer,” Deadpool growled, pointing his gun at Peter’s face, the both of them ignoring Aunt May’s alarmed sound. “Any last words?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “ _I’m_  Spider-Man.”

“What?” Deadpool said, slowly lowering his gun.

“You heard me.”

“You better fucking not be lying,” Deadpool threatened.

“And you better untie my aunt, asshole,” Peter bit out.

Deadpool scrambled to his feet, murmuring apologies as he hurriedly untied Aunt May.

“You okay, May?” Peter asked her, the second she was standing and rubbing her red wrists.

“Oh, you know I’m fine, Peter. I’m stronger than I look.”

“Why didn’t you just tell him?” Peter asked, because he had no illusions about Deadpool. He was called the Merc with a Mouth for a reason, and Peter had no doubt that he’d rambled on while tying up Aunt May. He’d probably only repeated the story for Peter’s benefit.

“I was protecting your identity,” May said stubbornly.

“My identity’s only a secret to protect _you_ ,” Peter returned. “If anything like this ever happens, I need you not to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

Aunt May scoffed. “It’s my job to worry about you, Peter.”

Finally, Deadpool came to untie Peter, using a knife instead of undoing it with his hands like he had for May. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “You mind, just, uh… proving it?” he said.

“You fuckin’ serious right now?” Peter asked, looking up at the other man incredulously. “After you tied up my _aunt_?”

“Peter, language,” said Aunt May.

“I’m just making sure!” Deadpool insisted, and with a growl, Peter jumped straight up and clung to the ceiling.

“Happy?” he asked.

“Not really!” Deadpool exclaimed. “I tied up your _aunt_! Oh God, I’m in trouble.”

“Well I for one think it’s rather sweet that you were trying to protect Peter’s identity,” Aunt May interrupted, even patting Deadpool on the arm. “If you’re done waving your swords and guns around, we’d be happy to have you stay for dinner.”

“May!” Peter protested. Aunt May just shrugged at him. She was too nice for her own good.

“I am so sorry for gagging you,” Wade said, spinning around and gripping both of her hands in his. “You are the sweetest old lady I’ve ever met.” He turned to Peter, then. “You know she didn’t even protest when I told her I was going to tie her up? She just sat down and held out her wrists.”

“May!” Peter repeated, gaping at her now.

“What? I recognized him from the news! And you mention Deadpool sometimes! I figured whatever was going to happen couldn’t be that bad.”

“He _kills_  people,” Peter protested, flinging out a hand towards Deadpool. Wade reached forward and grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers.

“ _Bad_  people,” Deadpool corrected. “Er… _worse_  people. But I was never gonna kill your aunt. Artistically persuade, maybe.”

“You mean torture.”

“Potato tomato.”

“That’s not the saying and you know it.”

“Speaking of potatoes,” Aunt May interrupted. “I think the baked potatoes should be about done by now. Why don’t you two boys set the table while I go check on them?” With that, May disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Peter and Wade where they were.

“You are _so_  on my shit list,” Peter muttered.

“Let’s not forget that I was just trying to protect you,” Deadpool said, pulling on the hand that Peter realized was still intertwined with his. Peter stumbled closer, tugging weakly against the arm that wrapped around his waist.

“Let’s not forget that you held Spider-Man and his aunt hostage.”

“And let’s _definitely_  not forget how adorable you are under your mask.”

Finally, Peter planted his hands on Wade’s chest and pushed him away, spinning around in time to hide his blush. He doubted he’d be forgetting any of this any time soon.


End file.
